Brain Surgery Recovery: On My Mind
At around four and a half weeks of recovery with plenty more to go, and here’s what I’ve noticed.
I am feeling more emotionally like myself, though I am still experiencing anxiety, some sadness (grief would make sense, yes?), and increased reactivity when I am tired… and I am tired fairly often. But it’s better than a week ago and way better than two weeks ago.
I haven’t been much able to take naps anymore, but I have been lying down with my eyes closed every day in the early afternoon, and that helps. I find I need to lie down and be still fairly regularly.
The rest is helping, though, and I’ve had a few days that felt relatively good. And then I do the thing that of course I do, and I do too much or walk too long. The next day, my extremities tremble and I have to rest a lot and recover.
My appetite has improved some, though it sometimes takes me forever to eat something. And, when I feel like I want something, it is usually with the preferences of a picky second grader. A family friend brought me Gardein tenders a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been all about those this week.
So, veggie powder in smoothies is getting me my greens right now. Progress over perfection, eh?
My left eye has the complete color spectrum back (everything was sort of green at first), and when I move my head so that my right eye lines up with the left, I get a blurry single image (rather than a persistent double image).
A friend who had a similar surgery - not brain, but side of the head near the eye - said her eye got back to normal after about three months. So. Perhaps I can set my expectation for 3-6 months. I’ll be very happy when my vision returns to normal.
It still takes me a long time to fall asleep at night, but I’m getting better at it.
I have sensation in my gums again! Aaahhh.
The side of my face is still sort of achy and weird feeling, but! It is less numb, and the sensation is developing. Just yesterday, it started feeling tingly in that “foot waking up from being asleep” sort of way.
The family and friends who have shown up, who check in, who persist in loving me make me cry on a regular basis.
Crying is fine, it’s just what’s on the menu these days. I have a lot to feel, so let’s go for it.
(While also acknowledging that I have regularly noticed my classic, “I’M NOT WEAK, IF I DON’T NEED YOU, THEN YOU CAN’T HURT ME, SO I’M FINE,” while being not fine. It’s hard for me to need so much - for so long! And, those who know me well have managed that tendency with a lot of grace, resulting in my ability to soften and let them back in, thank every god involved)
My partner remains a solid place to find comfort and reassurance. He is incredible, and I want to give him the world. I will figure out a way to do that one of these days.
My daughter is getting more hilarious every day. She is expressive, curious, and opinionated. I’m still not allowed to pick her up, but several times a day, we sit in a comfy chair together and look out the window. She stands, places her hand on my face, and opens her mouth into a wide smile. She bounces up and down, leans against my chest, and buries her face in my neck. This replenishes both of us with what we needed and missed from each other for several days, only a month ago.
I am so bored with being inactive, and yet, it is what I must do in order to become active again. Being able to walk more helps with this feeling. I am still working on figuring out exactly how much is too much or just enough. I want to run while the leaves change very badly. And there will be more autumns.
I have started wanting to decorate for Christmas… in October. This is probably because I hope and assume that I will be closer to normal by then, able to experience more pleasantness, and part of me wants it to be that time already. And yet, I don’t want to wish away any of my life. It is so precious.
I have resumed doing my gratitude practice in the evenings, before bed, and that has helped. Attention is what I am, at the most basic level, and redirecting that attention can and will do wonders.
On we go.
