Brain Surgery: Post!

It has been almost two weeks since surgery. I am still sleeping a lot, and I still have swelling and pain, but that can mostly stay managed with medication. I can’t pick up anything over 10lbs, I can’t drive, and my left eye doesn’t move predictably yet. 

I haven’t washed my hair, with the exception of one sort-of-wash to get surgery oils and blood out, since before the big day. I hope to get clearance to do that at my follow up this week. There is also a small incision on my gut, out of which they took some of my own fat to put underneath my head skin. So now there are two scars on my belly. 

My emotions are a little unpredictable due to the medications I’m on, but it’s getting better, especially as medication amounts go down with time. If I’m cranky, it’s usually because I’m tired. Just try a nap. Usually that works.

I don’t have the same hunger cues yet, it’s more like, “My eye is closing, I should eat.” Or, it’s been several hours since I ate - perhaps it’s time to eat again?

I was under for over six hours. It was more complicated than they thought it would be, wrapped all around nerves and blood vessels.

I don’t remember much about the hospital stay except:

• The evening of my surgery day, I wanted water. I drank some and immediately vomited a bunch of green. Womp. 

• I needed three IV lines because my veins don’t like to sit still and are very deep. 

• My ICU nurse made me a tea bag to place over my swollen eye, and it did seem to bring down the swelling. She also liked to share a lot about herself.

• I didn’t eat anything the first two days. When I came home, I had lost at least 8 pounds since before surgery. I’m not sure what was fat loss, what was tumor weight, what was hormonal related to stopping breastfeeding, etc etc. I also suspect I lost muscle mass. My butt hurts haha.

• I remember the doc visiting me each day but I have no memory of what was discussed. 

• I slept a lot. A lot.

• I took funny photos of myself. 

• I was so swollen!

• Catheters are the worst part of surgeries.

• I was very happy to be alive.

And I’m still very happy to be alive! Things are still difficult, it’s only been nearly two weeks, but I could have died and instead I’m here! Typing. I’m here typing! There are so many things that I am looking forward to and there are so many things that I previously denied myself because of an unrecognized idea that I had to wait for a certain future. So silly! Just do things! Enjoy things. 

This week, I painted my nails. I hadn’t done that in at least four years, but this week, I wanted to. So I did. 

I have been wearing clothes that I like. I put them on, I think, “hell yeah.” I cut off a part of a cardigan that I didn’t like anymore that has kept me from wearing it - now I can wear it again. No one stopped me, I just cut it off. Ha!

I got myself a very nice beeswax candle and a very colorful planner for 2024 (with stickers). 

I started reorganizing my jewelry so it’s easier to find things and also to let go of what I don’t wear anymore. 

I’m giving away or selling clothes based on whether or not I like them anymore and not based on whether or not I should like them. 

I’m drinking coffee out of my cutest mugs, depending on what I’m feeling. 

I’m reading books. 

I’m not following unpleasant social media anymore, and I’m trying to be more outgoing with how much I like people - I kept that hidden, for reasons having to do with avoiding rejection, etc. 

I’m posting my fiction writing! Speaking of fearing rejection, I hid that story for years, not wanting to expose it to the dislike of others and keeping it an unfinished secret. Oh, beloved story, I’m so sorry! Off you go, into the world! I can do it for you.

I am walking again - clumsily and with one eye open, but it’s working. 

My little girl is approaching toddlerhood with determination and laughter. She is such a delight, and I get to keep watching her grow! I get to keep being her mother. We place her on my lap, and she curls up against my chest, and we breathe in and out together. She is my darling and my heartbeat. 

My partner is doing so much - he is lead parent, he is lead caretaker, and my family supports him (and my brother stayed with us for two weeks to help, thank god), but so much falls to him. I am so lucky that he is willing, that he is able, that he loves me enough to get us through the next six to eight weeks. I am in awe of his goodness and our good luck. I want to somehow make a million dollars so that I can treat him to whatever he wants for the rest of his life. I’ll work on that. Mostly, I want to be full partners again soon. I can do that for sure.

My family is full of love and my friends have shown up with incredible support. And friendly acquaintances have been a joy and delight! And readers have surprised me and filled me with hope and aspirations. I am liking so many of you these days and I am willing to say so. 

Maybe it’s weird to write a whole entry about how lucky I think I am, but that’s where we’re at. 

Life is at one of its most challenging places right now. It is also at one of its best. 

Much love. I hope you enjoy something today.