Brain Surgery: What's Good
First of all, it is absolutely necessary to express my thanks for all of the support that came flowing in after I shared what was going on with me. I was offered encouragement, stories of surviving and recovering from very similar circumstances, and literal financial help. I am in awe of it.
The part of me that doubts was, of course, outspoken with an, “Ah well, but you don’t really deserve that. You need to do something to earn it or they’ll resent you.”
The part of me that is arrogant and wildly uncomfortable with receiving unearned generosity offered up an, “Ah, see what an impact you’ve made! Aren’t you something! Of course you deserve it!”
The truth is somewhere parallel to those thoughts. It is true that I haven’t done anything to “earn” what has been given and it is also true that earning isn’t the point of generosity. It is unsettling to receive something and feel we owe something back. It makes me a bit frantic and/or avoidant. It is also wonderful and moves me to tears. Coping with being loved is, as always, harder in practice than it seems like it theoretically should be.
I am able to ask for, or even demand, things when I feel I’m entitled to them (working on that, I’d like everyone to know); however, when I feel I’m not deserving or, worse, like I should be able to get it or do it myself, the words evaporate.
Many people have asked. “Let me know if you need anything!” Or, more direct, “What do you need?” Ah. What do people typically need? What do I need?
I am a fairly immediate creature, much of the time. Impulsive, occasionally. If I want something or feel I need something, I usually find a way to get it pretty quickly. But what about when I am unable to drive or pick things up or even focus for long periods of time?
Food is the easy answer, because of course I must eat. It’s the one more accessible offerings for most of the people in my life and in the periphery of my life to provide. So I usually just say that.
Driving into work a few mornings ago (savoring it, now), it dawned on me: connection - to myself and to others. That’s what I’ll probably need the most. It will be easy for me to become very isolated during this time. I won’t be able to go to anyone else unless I am driven. I might get lonely and frustrated. I might also become overwhelmed with having others around me doing things for me at all times. Having someone take care of you is different than having someone spend time with you. This written space might end up being a good way for me to reach out into the void of eight weeks recovery.
I spoke to the nurse again and asked a few questions. Her answer about my level of incapacitation was, “You won’t be incapacitated - just inconvenienced!”
Well. I have certainly been inconvenienced before. Surely I can survive being inconvenienced.
My daughter was sick for a few days this week, and between sucking snot out of her tiny nose, I thought a lot about how to prepare her for a big upheaval in her routine. I think about it all the time. And then, just as she recovered from getting sick, an older child in her daycare hit her in the face while she was standing beside a teacher he liked. He was jealous and lashed out at her, unprovoked. Another difficult moment right after the previous difficult moment! “Can’t she get a break?”
It took a lot of self-soothing on my part to take her back into daycare the next day. I talked myself up all evening about, “If this happens again, I am NOT going to be nice, I am going to-” and everything an anxious parent says to themselves about what they will be justified in doing or saying in order to protect their beloveds.
But ultimately, I brought her in. I surrendered my control in the hope that she will be okay and that she will learn how to try again.
Yes, I did have a reaction of wanting to know who this little motherfucker was and had he been punished for laying a hand on mY DAUGHTER? SHE DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS! WAS JUSTICE SERVED OR NOT??
I did not communicate that, exactly, to her teachers. It was something more like, “How was this addressed?” Because I do want to be effective here. And, as much as I want to keep her from any pain, I know that difficult moments are an unavoidable part of existence. So how to proceed? How to grow? Rather than keeping her from pain, how can I teach her to navigate what will be inevitable and become stronger for it?
Can you see my projection here?
My little darling, my beloved, you will get knocked down many times. It will break your heart and take your breath. Get good with figuring out how to get up again.
The solution is not always the opposite of the problem it solves.
With love, yall.
